I Have a Structured Settlement But I Always Go Meow

I Have a Structured Settlement and I Always Meow

Hard not to purr when you get stable payments now

The tax free benefits are helpful too

The wife gets tax-free when I die,  she’s a Happy Sue


Keep hearing these commercials that are on TV

Funny as they are they promote JG

Think I’ll wait til my payments are due to me

An amazing journey, of stabil-ity


Other kitties have a structured settlement, think they need cash now

Remind them of the benefits and they staying put now

Their structure pays for a supply of Tender Vittles

Whatever pussies, for me I prefer Skittles


I prefer red ones, she prefers chocolate

Chocolate you say, rather have an omelette

Structured settlement payments leave you pretty set

But cash now companies wont leave you alone just yet

Their campaign is offensive just like the Tet


I have a structured settlement that pays into my SNT

I still get Medicaid and the trust gets payments  tax-free

I get to keep my home health aides and my stabil-it-y


And cash now pusher math

Is sure to make you gasp

A 6 in the future is worth 3 today

Boy that’s frickin’ daft

Leave you on a financial raft

Just a bunch of slithering asps.


I hear cash now on the way to the refrigerator

Like the Prince of Bel Air said, “Homes, Smell You Later”

It’s about time you stop your belly achin’

Find creative ways to start makin’ bacon.









Highest Cash Offer Structured Settlement

“Highest cash offer for structured settlement” is on par with I promise I won’t “pour rum” in your mouth” .  Virtually every structured settlement buyer makes the same dubious claim.  If only go to Tightwad Capital then their offer is the “highest offer”. If you go to TightWad Capital and Miser Moron Settlement Purchasers, you may get the highest offer between the two.  Usually the better rates come if there is plenty of competition.  Some companies get offended if you shop around and give you all sorts of shit if you do.

Here’s one way of looking at getting highest cash offer structured settlement, best cash offer structured settlement,  in advertising by settlement purchasers.

Highest Cash Offer

Just another big tosser

She’s a big liar

Should-a foresaw her


Why did she lie?

She think she fly

Call cash now  “bae”

When it really mean “poop

Want you to have a big scoop

So you take her ass to Guadalupe

All in one big fell swoop

That you never recoup

Cause you been duped.


So Highest Cash Offer  (structured settlement)

Still leaves you a pauper

They all say that

Like buzzing gnats

On a pile of scat

Just train your pussycat

He can smell a rat

Don-t be a door-mat

And that’s that.


by Master Funky Chicken 2015






















Structured Settlement IPA

Structured Settlement IPA stands for Independent Professional Advice.  A structured settlement IPA is compulsory in quite a few states, but some structured settlement buyers tell you that it will cost more or will delay you getting your payments.  The hot shots that tell you that crap are just trying to get over on a brother.  Think about this…”


Getting a structured settlement IPA

Keeps you from giving your pants away

It’s not a beer

It’s  not an ale

It’s for you so you don’t fail


Independent Adviser

Gonna make you wiser

That is if he’s no shyster

Say Da Structure Meister


You best behave

And Do not waive

You right to structured settlement IPA

If you waive your right

You may be in shyte

And go “boo hoo hoo” all day


Structured settlement IPA

Get it today

Before selling your payments away

From a CPLA or CLU, Esq.

Don’t be a sucka say woop dee-do

CFP, CSSC it’s one alpha-bet city.


Now memba this!

Whatever it costs, an independent professional adviser is worth the cost if you are thinking about selling structured settlement.  Usually a structured settlement IPA costs about $500, but in some cases may be over $1,000.  In California the structured settlement buyer must pay the cost of the structured settlement IPA. It shouldn’t come out of your pocket. Always use an independent professional adviser.

Lyrics by Master Funky Chicken





Sell Your Settlement Now

So you want to sell your settlement now

Getting cash now is so low brow

Got your ass in a  sling,  just fuckin’ how?

Your bills, your bills you cow tow

Spending money give you thrills and chow chow


You be spending money on the down lo

When your bitch ain’t lookin’ you with another ho

So what if her name is Smoky Joe?

It sure ain’t Christmas,  no ho ho ho!


So make the call to the online folks

Snicker when you call “here’s another dope”

Take advantage of you when you got hope

Trying to do the financial rope-a dope


They got no license or insurance regulator

You be illin’ because you just ate a gator

Your gut feel like frickin’ incinerator

A jelly donut from Mom’s refrigerator


Your diet keepin’ you quiet

Yo bro’ what a riot

You got meth mouth,  it’s totally uncouth

Your life be headin’ Deep fuckin’ South


Time to get back on track

Start it off by stop smokin’ crack

Pretty soon you be back

If you stay away from cash now hacks


So sell your structured settlement now

Think you out of the financial hoosegow

Better to kick back a Lowenbrau

With another bunch of your best pals


Keep your structured settlement

Don’t sell your settlement now

For your own betterment

Keep your settlement


Keep all of your money

Not a fraction of your money

Instead of giving money to a hedge fund, which is what you may be doing if you go to these online folks

Invest in your own “hedge row”

And grow your own “corn row”

Don’t believe them silly ads

Some of them are made by  cads.


Peace Out brothers and sisters

Master Funky Chicken  2015



















Forum Shopping Structured Settlements

You need cash money

Go to Judge Homey

Structured settlement protection

Think Hugh G. Rection

But home court approval

Not like apple strudel


My Cash now pusha

Say there no issha

Don’t need no tissha

Said “no worries Thumper”

We headed to Sumter

When you feeling sorely

Go right to Judge Morley


Ye ole Sumter County forum shop

There’s no need to fear the chop

So do the hip-pity hop

Go ahead impress your pop

By the way damn,  wipe that snot!


But I don’t live in Orlando

Don’t want no fandango

I’m from Chittenango

Said “Can you do the tango?”

Just sign this lease

For 6 pieces of Reese

For your airline ticket

You ain’t in a thicket

Here’s a gift card

To cover the canard


You ask “ain’t this fraud?”

That’s right Maude

Sitting there all slack jawed

Why you be lookin’ awed?

You one big dumb broad


He got me really amped

For that “rubber stamp”

And we continued to jam

About the flim flam


Forum Shopping

Money swapping


Boobs be floppin’


Don’t call a cop

Don’t throw a strop

Get off your ass and say ” STOP!”

Structured settlement cash now sucks even worse when you get forum shopped and when you later try to fight it,  the structured settlement buyer liars try to blame it all on your sorry ass.














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Why Wait for Structured Settlement Payment?

Some structured settlement buyers ask you “why wait for your structured settlement payments?”   Massive over-the-top from Peachtree featured dis wigga who gets progressively older waiting for his payments.  Even got tumbleweeds from the Old West rolling into the scene (Cue  ” The Good, Bad & Da Ugly”)

Others ask “why wait weeks, months and years” for your payments.  What you don’t hear in any of the “why wait?” ads is  how much of haircut you are going to have to take so you don’t have to wait.  There is a reason why they say “patience is a virtue”.

Why Wait  Why Wait

For my structured settlement payment date

Can’t wait for your payment, why?,

Why wait, why wait, why wait?


Live within your means

So you don’t run out of cream

Keep hold of your payment streams

Or you ain’t worth a  hill of beans


Wait for payments, shun cash now pushas

Penny purse snatchas with rosie tuchas

Penny purse snatchas, that play with matches

Sick my dog on ’em, take a bite out their asses!


That world of shit

Is hardly a hit

So maybe you better just wait  a bit


Why Wait  Why Wait

For your structured settlement payment date

Ingrate Ingrate

Get ALL your  structured settlement payments if you wait.


Why wait for my structured settlement payment?

How about I just make a statement?

A statement that I don’t need to sell

And not needing to sell is really swell


Selling your structured settlement sucks

Cash for structured settlement sucks

Cash for annuity sucks

Lump sum for structured settlement sucks

So just don’t.

And keep all your bucks


The Good The Bad & Da Ugly was performed by the Prague Symphony Orchestra. For those of you who don’t know ya ass from ya elbow,  Prague is in the Czech Republic.  No dat aint’ a new check cashing place in Da Bronx with people wearing Hollister knock offs. In someways it like a “Banana Republic”. It’s Europe man and they got some nice “Chiquitas” there!

Lyrics by “The Bare Rabbit”, from  Alice in Plunderland







Court Scrapers Information Rapers

Court scrapers are like information rapers. Some people who enter into structured settlements, are surprised to receive phone calls from complete strangers right away or years later encouraging them to sell their structured settlement payments. The incessant and harrassing phone calls come from structured settlement buyers, some of whom are very aggressive and offensive.  There are no rules to protect structured settlement payees from the information rapers. This latest rap by Master Funky Chicken pokes fun at court scrapers.


Court scrapers

Information rapers

Pullin’ capers

Be In newspapers


Court scrapers buzz the archives

Making hay from what makes you thrive

From Da Bronx to Van Nuys

Sideways cap, jeans down to their thighs


From kangaroo courts

Got your reports

What’s your retort?

Cuz you got porked.


Your Privacy they invade

Don’t drink the Kool Aid

Like old “June Bug Spade”

Got you made in the shade


They gonna git you sucka

That right mutha plucka

You dirty ole trucker

Quit playin’ with ya schmucker


Some structured settlement buyers

Big fuckin’ liars

Break up your structures

With rusty pliers


Court scrapers

Information rapers

For your labors

Money up in vapors


Court scrapers

Information rapers

Darth Vaders

In hip waders


Sherlocks and Shylocks

Pointy ears like Mr Spock

Sure ass ain’t Goldilocks

Finding payments want you to hock

Soon you be livin’ under a rock


Court scrapers buzz the archives

Making hay from what makes you thrive

With cash now blokes with who they connive

Nab steady income you need to survive


Court scrapers

Information rapers

Drinkin’ Colt 45

With paper chasers


Once you sell

You got that smell

Them cash now bugs

Drive you straight to hell


Keep your structured settlement!   Cash Now Sucks.  Sell Structured Settlement Sucks


Lyrics by Master Funky Chicken








He Ate a Structured Settlement and He Pees Cash Now

I Ate a Structured Settlement and I Pee Cash Now

I Pee Daily!  Get Your “Streambacks” Now

I’ve Helped Others and I’ll Help You Too

The only thing I won’t do is help you go poo-poo!


I Ate a Structured Settlement and I Pee Cash Now

Call AC Pissworth,  for a  7-11 -pow-wow

I’ve helped others and I’ll help you too

Only I wont do is help you sell, silly moo!


I ate a structured settlement and I need cash now

Called AC Pissworth, not for what you think now

It hurts when I pee and it hurts when I poo

Excuse me for while, I’ll get back to you.


Lyrics by Augustus Poopstein












I Have a Structured Settlement and Screw Cash Now

I Have a Structured Settlement and Screw Cash Now

Call “Tuna Fish Sandwich” No Need to Sell Now

Structures helped others and they’ll help you too

Lifetime stable income and tax-free too!


You have a structured settlement say “screw cash now”

Free I-Pad and cash advances, who really gives a shit now?

Structures helped others and they’ll help you too

EFT’s so fuckin’ easy, I scream ” woo-hoo!”


I have a structured settlement say “screw cash now”

Off income not assets is the way to live now

Structures helped others and they’ll help you too

Live within your means and thrive til 92.


It’s Your Money,  Keep It and Get it All


Lyrics by Fermez La Bouche






Structured Settlement Cash Now Stinks

Structured settlement cash now stinks

Dude, you just got yourself hoodwinked

Sure ain’t your mama’s tiddly winks

Before you blink

Payment just shrinks


Cash now for structured settlement stinks

You think you back from the brink

But back to your old hi-jinks

Your armor still got some chinks

When the vulture winks

You need a rethink

When the vulture winks

Memba cash now stinks.

Structured settlement cash now stinks


Lyrics by  Master Funky Chicken